Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.

priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.

The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

3-year-old: Let’s play zombies

Me: OK

3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby

She tricked me into playing house

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?

There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.

Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.

Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive

(3:12am)

My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.

Wife: What is that?

Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?

Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!

Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.

You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

My body: please we are begging you to eat a vegetable or drink a single glass of water

me looking at the christmas cookie tray:

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.

– Are you sure?

-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!