Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
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DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
If you fart in the forest and nobody is around to hear it, would anyone- [text from wife: you’re disgusting]
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.