Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
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Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
A horror story in seven words
Mom! Today, in music, we get recorders!
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies