Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
You Might Also Like
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
🤭😂
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
when the buffet is more honest than your date
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Fact: Moms yelling out “careful!” have saved 3.6 million lives so far this year.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny