Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
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It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
I’m beginning to think that for some of you, the wheels on your bus do not go round & round.
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Me: It’s so good to have time off to write!
Neighbor: It’s chainsaw day, bitches!
Ugh.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”