Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
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“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
From my Mom
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
>Take medicine to prevent symptoms
>The symptoms don’t occurWow I can’t believe I didn’t even need to take the medicine
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
My manifesto is mostly just pizza topping ideas.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
It’s my birthday eve, when Birthday Claus comes down the chimney and leaves me three additional wrinkles, two new mysterious body aches, and a skin tag.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
crazy
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
WestJet now charges $25 to book a flight by phone. But it’s way more if you want to book a flight by plane.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?