*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
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I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
it’s your first day back at work. your boss calls you in. “why aren’t you wearing pants?”
“threw em out” you shrug
you turn to leave but stop at the door. “wait,” you say. “but why aren’t you wearing pants”
“what?” he looks down, confused. “oh, right” he shrugs. “threw em out”
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
Never deleting this app.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it