being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
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An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
I was kicked out of a strip club last night for throwing twenty quid at one of the strippers.
Ok, I admit it was in pound coins.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)