being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
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Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:
Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
[Date arrives wearing a turtleneck]
Him: What should we do?
Me: May as well just go ahead and dump my body in the woods right now.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg