Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?

Me: Correct.

[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

Have kids, they said

[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”

Taking a little nap while I wait for the driver in front of me to realize the light has turned green

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on

3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!

Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.

3: *realizes growing up was a trap*

The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.

The worst part of marriage is when you do something stupid, the best part of marriage is when your partner does something stupid

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more

oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general

Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.