Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

I scream,
You scream,
We all scream because grandma is visiting for Christmas and she forgot her hearing aids again.

i did the math

Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.

*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.

She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche

Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.

Daughter:

Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted

…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong

HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug

ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ

my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy

Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it

Her: idk google it

Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting

Her: *googling DIY annulment*

ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]

HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!

M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

Chief Wiggum, Springfield PD, here… they’re doing WHAT?

Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first

Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo

*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*