Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
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You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
What happens if you fight a dinosaur?
You get Jurasskicked!
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
My whole life was a lie.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
going to the ER y’all need anything
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*