Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker: you are so lucky that you don’t have kids

me: that’s not luck that’s on purpose

Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.

Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*

Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?

After about 15 games, I’m starting to think that none of these fantasies are going to be final.

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.

I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.

<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>

I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…

Your spouse 🤷

Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?

pirate: walk the plank

someone’s dad: is this teak?

‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥

The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.

Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”

Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.

I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.