‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
You Might Also Like
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
dan dan noodles… the food so nice they danned it twice. thanks for liking my posts
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Just a reminder: 3-year-olds like to be given a choice! When you’re getting ready to go, ask them “would you like to wear sneakers or sandals?” so that they feel INCLUDED and EMPOWERED to scream at the top of their lungs that they want to wear their Mickey Mouse bedroom slippers
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car