‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
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Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
Meow
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: first name?
ME: Mike
I: last?
M: Arbrokedown
I: Mike Arbrokedown?
M: no problem let’s use mine
I: *crumples test*
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.