Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.

Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”

I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.

[every game of Words with Friends with me]

Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points

Me: plays POO for 6

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.

BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.

DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.

LANA: Guys, can we play different game?

5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”

5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.

ME: We’re adopting a baby!

FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?

ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension

I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find

Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?

SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

Can’t get worse than that 😭 😭

I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?

Me: Between 8am and 12pm

Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm

Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people

“But I don’t want to, Dad!”
“Tough”
“The people are horrible”
“You’re still going”

[next day on Earth]
JESUS *grumpily* so I’m back

I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.

(Inception)

Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?

me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.