Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.

scares

Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house

Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.

“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.

*screams as police dog takes me down.

GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.

I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…

My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie

I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?

ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’

DATING COACH: Show me

*I bite my lip seductively*

DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?

That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.

the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted

No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.

[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my own

ME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed

[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT

Me: OMG, what a great day!

Anxiety: Wait for it…

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack

Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.

Get it together, toddlers.

He refuses to bathe without the Melon

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”