Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SON: mommy I’m scared of the bogeyman

ME: there is no bogeyman honey

SON: he’s not real?

ME: oh he’s very real. but I hunted him down years ago

SON:

ME: there was so much blood

SON:

ME: [whispers] his head is in the basement freezer

Cat 911: What’s your emergency?

Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!

Cat 911: Seriously?

Cat: No, LOL!

Cat 911: LOL!

Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.

“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.

“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?

Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.

“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”

I feel it says all u need to know about me

“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”

Yes

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

doctor: i have your blood test here
 
me: and?
 
doctor: you failed

The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit

TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left

Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition

Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.

My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car

Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there

My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper

Me: *in bed with dogs*

*car drives down street*

Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?