Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
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“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
Van Gone
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid