Believing everything you read on the internet is the key
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In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️