Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: any interests outside of work

me: war and space documentaries

mom: he means star wars

me: mom stay in the car

mom: nerd

*first date*

Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight

If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.

im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:

every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive

*phone rings*

Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”

Me – *strips naked and does running man*

Wife – “….”

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”

-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.

I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.

[scene of wreck]

cop: do you want an ambulance

me: no I’ll probably just buy another car

*nothing on the kitchen table*

*nothing on the living room floor*

*nothing on the coffee table*

*nothing on the dining room table*

7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*

You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.

6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.

My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.

5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?

Me: *cuts it differently*

5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*

Me: Why aren’t you eating it?

5yo: Because it’s not the same!

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

me: WHEN I WAS YOUNG WE HAD TO PAY FOR LONG DISTANCE CALLS
a young person: that sounds terrible
me: IT WAS

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.

If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.

Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?

Me: yes, please! *opens purse*

Dating Tips
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Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.