Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story

I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7

me: before rush hour, smart move

Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?

Seek kebab; not attention

My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.

cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not

I’m not wrong

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

logging onto twitter…

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….

That makes 7,427 days in a row.

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]

[turns away with disappointment]

“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch

WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare

ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT

9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.

Me: You make me so proud.

Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.

In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”