Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
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THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
A fella staggers exhausted into his house.
“What’s wrong with you?” asks his wife.
“I thought I’d save my $3 bus fare by running behind the bus” gasps the man.
“You idiot” says his wife.
“If you’d run home behind a taxi you could’ve saved $25”
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.