Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
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ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”