Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
You Might Also Like
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
According to math, I’m broke
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Sometimes I see people posting astrology memes and go: “Is that what you think you’re like???”
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
having a peanut allergy has to be so wild. like imagine you’re at a baseball game and there are people chucking bags of rattlesnakes past your head
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.