Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
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Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
In the past, people had to eat lawn clippings and drink boiling water separately. The invention of tea bags was a big time saver.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Extremely relatable.
Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs