Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.
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[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Farmer: These two chickens share a nest
No one:
Me: Would you call that cooperation?
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
I secretly judge Kamala Harris for dating Montell Williams in 2001 however in 2001 I was dating Josh who I met in detention and who was going to drop out of high school if he got a skateboarding sponsorship.
Why did they call it painting your toenails and not graffeeti
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.