Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet

Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.

“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

(Sigh)

I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.

Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.

I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

*decides towels smell like mildew

*buys special laundry agent to remove odors

*washes load of towels

*forgets load in washer until morning

*repeat

My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now

Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.

“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”

You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??

Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?

me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game

is frankincense just very honest incense?

We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.

For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!

Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.

Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?

Did…did a minotaur write this

“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism

Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!

People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.

Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.

There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx