Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.

netflix: are you still watching

me: no

netflix: then can i watch what i want now

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?

Husband:

Me:

Husband: How much?

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

Me: This escape room is really hard.

Guard: I said lights out!

Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.

Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]

My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?

Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?

Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???

Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.

Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…

You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.

Once I was boating with my sons on a river and a guy on a kayak kept talking to me.

He asked my youngest, 15 then, “What would you think if I took your mom to Longhorn Steakhouse tonight?” and my son said, “I’d think you’re a cheap motherfucker,” hit the throttle and sped off.

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?

Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.

6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.

In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

Her: Was your child gifted?

Me: No, we had him naturally

2017 – Wizard of Oz

[opening credits]

Dorothy: *opens weather app*

[end credits]

I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?

“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*

“It was me. I shit on the rug”

Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.

Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers

Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??

Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER

*putting dead animal heads on the walls*

People will like this!

Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.

*first time in a long time at the dentist*

Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.

Me:

Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.