*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
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Square dancing in elementary school really had me expecting more hoedowns as an adult
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
We DID NOT walk 500 mile.
And we WOULD NOT walk 500 more.~ The Disclaimers.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
What’s your favorite song about not being able to touch this?
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy