Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Social Media and Real life

Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.

My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.

[ looking at family pictures ]

Kid: where am I?

Me: you weren’t born yet

[ later ]

Kid: *drawing family*

Me: where’s mommy?

Kid: you weren’t born yet

Damn

The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.

I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station

She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating site

But soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.

millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.

I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.

My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”

Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.

My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.

Snots fired.

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?

therapist: what do you see?

me: Snoopy

therapist: this one?

me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football

therapist: I see, and now?

me: Lucy moved the ball

therapist: wtf this is the wrong book

I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

In my experience, the best way to get herd immunity is to go up and punch the biggest cow in the field right in the face. Those other cows won’t touch you bro. I haven’t gotten shit off a cow in three years now.

Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.

Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday

[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]

Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?

10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.