Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]

I know there are bigger problems in the world right now but I’ve just realised I’ve never seen a baby seagull.

Him at 1am: Wanna come over?

Me: Sure thing, sexy

-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring

i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”

In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.

Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.

genie: i will grant you any wish

me: i wish soup was spelled like soop

genie: [frowning] no

[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry

“sticks and stones may break my bones”

“got it, thank you!”

“wait there’s more”

“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”

Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.

Stools: OK!

I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.

announcing “i’m pregnant”

– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?

screaming “there’s something inside of me”

– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?

A bridesmaid, but to carry the end of my CVS receipt.

Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off

Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry

The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.

My toddler has lost the eyes from her Mr Potato head toy and I’m pretty sure it was on purpose so he can’t see how shit 2020 is

I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.

[friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.

babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

*eating freshly baked cookies*

4: I want lots more!

Me: you’ve had a lot already… I don’t want you to get a stomachache

4: but *I* want a stomachache!!!

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

Maybe during this year’s colonoscopy they’ll find your brain

Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*

Repeat forever.

Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.

Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.

And that’s just in one mall.

My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.