Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.

The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW

Passwords:

Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN

A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

When you have to use a public restroom.

Establish dominance over your children by whining louder

I think the waitress may have been flirting with me until she saw the text size on my phone

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk

have y’all tried calories? they’re so gooood

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.

Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?

“WTF?”

“Seriously?”

“How could you?”

“Oh, man!”

“I’m right here.”

-my dog watching me throw food in the trash

ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.

RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air

ME: HOLY SHIT

Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”

“Wow, Awesome costume.”

“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”

What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.

The fear of not making it home.

#RubbishJokes

#WednesdayThought

Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”

The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*