Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.

people think 👼 is the angel emoji but 🍪 is actually much closer to the biblical description

Her: Is my new concealer working?

Me: Who said that?

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.

Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.

“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief

Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.

Friend: That’s my stomach.

hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused

Walking home and massively drunk after a rubbish party, my life not the best it’s ever been, when a dog barked at me from someone’s garden, I barked back and ended up in a blazing row with it, all in dog language. God knows what its owners must’ve thought.

“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”

“Why not?”

[fakes a sore throat]

“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”

Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.

I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.

People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!

[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

Batman: I’m afraid of bats

Superman: I’m afraid of soup

Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread