BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
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[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
*mops up wine with cat*
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Ain’t no way
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.