BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
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Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
😭😭
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.