BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
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You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Interviewer: what would you say if I said you talk too much.
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Therapist: We must remove our masks and express our true selves
Yoga instructor: True
Nutritionist: So wise
Raccoon: This is bullshit, Alan
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Are these fish:
A. A different species
B. The same species
C. These two fish aren’t even from the same ocean and aren’t closely related
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months