Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days

Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

I flunked out of flight attendant school.

I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.

Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so

Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.

Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.

I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32

Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Sincerely,
Santa Claus.

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this

Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct

Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else

teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard

narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman

I’m sticking to my guns.

I really should have washed my hands after I ate.

*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3

*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!

I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on

*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”

my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed