Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!

Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.

Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.

i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*

[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho

Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.

The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.

(to the tune of We Will Rock You)

I feed my dog dog food

I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.

Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.

Children: Wait what?

Me: What?

“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”

Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 32nd time.

the stuff you read about yourself once you hit a certain number of followers is crazy. CIA family, makes $10k/ month, was on Reddit, communist, conservative, white supremacist, Jewish, white, gay, straight, etc. all this from being really into pants.

“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”

-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch

Roadkill is just a goth zoo

“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.

🤣🤣🤣

Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.

– My husband

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”