BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
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To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
I had a 77 Datsun pickup. I came out of the mall and drove home in the wrong 77 Datsun pickup. The key worked.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
I didn’t even see a listing for Greenland on Zillow…
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me