Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
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Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
Shower sex be like:
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Sunny D tastes like scientists made a bet they could make orange juice without the oranges
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together