Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th

I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

Gentle reminder to take a brief moment to close your eyes, take a deep belly breath, and gently stroke your chin to find all the prickly whiskers you missed last time you plucked.

What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”

I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.

Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?

My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.

A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.

my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards

me: (in distant background) holy shit.

drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.

“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.