Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
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A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
DATE: Do you like cats?
ME: *flipping menu* What page are you on?
that lettuce in your fridge is now a souvenir
My joke about a partition wall really split the room
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
It’s so funny how dracula in marvel is a thing and he is constantly in the background as a looming threat but noone cares but blade
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
my fav colour is also hitler
