Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
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sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
love that the person on this box of tea looks like they’re being cooked on a spit like a 7/11 hotdog
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
If an attacker broke into my house and & I was hiding, all they’d have to do is fart.
I’d giggle and give myself away immediately.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me