Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.

Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.

I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.

I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.

[job interview]

“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Getting asked this question somewhere else

My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”

Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too

Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?

Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!

her: i’m a doctor

my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you

me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-

my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG

*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?

*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!

me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock

Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?

Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…

Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.

Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.

There is wisdom there.

Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.

Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.

Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.

Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.