“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
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[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Satan: welcome to hell. this is Gary. he’ll be your demon for today.
Demon Gary: hi!
Me: he doesn’t seem so bad.
Demon Gary: *tearing up* why would you say that?
Me: oh, no, I’m sorry, I didn’t–
Satan: jesus, no wonder you ended up here.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Stick it to the man
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!