Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.

I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

me: are there really aliens at area 51

pentagon official: that’s confidential

me: then how’d i hear about it

Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.

I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’

No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair

911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.

The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls

Friend: how many?

Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny

Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division

[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?

An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.

[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.

How many? 🤔

First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.

Mum: get me a plate

Me: which plate?

Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter

*brings plate*

Mum: no not that one

How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.