“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
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We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.