Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade

Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.

Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.

Me: Do that thing I like.

Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”

On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.

My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”

Still cracks me up

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”

5 “Trying to pull it out.”

Me “That’s going to hurt.”

5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”

Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

I moved the karaoke machine from under my bed to the kitchen so I can sing along when cooking. It scares the dog and drives my daughter crazy so I’d say it’s a big hit.

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away

me: I need to get this framed

optometrist: just say you need glasses

Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.

Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299

The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!

I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.

“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”

“You mean a shotgun”

“No not yet”

I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now

Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.