BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
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Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Me irl
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”