@tastefactory

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

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@ShutUpThatsWho

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

@RamblingMachine

A truck with the slogan “We always go the extra mile” took the last parking spot so I wrote on it “because we missed the exit” as a revenge.

@MrsTomServo

“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist

@McKnightyBoo

My 6yo has been rolling around on the floor for 30 mins whining for me to get her some juice cause SHE doesn’t want to

Go ahead. Have kids

@GianDoh

Bartender: What’ll It be?

Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.

@capnmcfword

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.