BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
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[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
A truck with the slogan “We always go the extra mile” took the last parking spot so I wrote on it “because we missed the exit” as a revenge.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
My 6yo has been rolling around on the floor for 30 mins whining for me to get her some juice cause SHE doesn’t want to
Go ahead. Have kids
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.