BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
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i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
This is my pinned tweet
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
I’m good, thanks.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”