Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.

All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

(gets pulled over)

wife: be nice.

cop: do you have any drugs?

me: yeah man help yourself.

My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted

Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.

Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math

Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached

Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.

me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*

carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood

ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.

gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me

The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.

Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.

It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.

Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

Hawk o the mornin tuah

How to use a credit card machine:

1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

When people try to play games with you, simply choose not to play. Unless it’s Naked Twister. Never turn down Naked Twister.

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

hate when you tell a hilarious story and then everyone’s like “omg im so sorry that happened to you?????” like get with the program honey we’re laughing about this

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol

*watches Forensic Files for tips*

*taps pencil*

*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*

*taps pencil*

*pauses*

*underlines it*

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)