Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
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“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Bless you
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots