Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

But if two men get married, they’ll BOTH be stupid in detergent commercials and then no one will buy the correct detergent.

As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.

*6yo sneezes*

Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?

6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*

“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.

I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…

Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”

Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend

If you’re in the gym filming yourself and getting mad at people getting in your shot, I’m gonna twerk in the background at whatever piece of equipment you’re on.

Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover

[at the club]

Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots

Her: Just take them off

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

I will never stop laughing at this

What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.

Pretending I’m asleep so my boss has to carry me to the meeting.

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.

How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.

Sorry, I wasn’t really listening but that’s awesome, unless it isn’t of course.

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY

Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend