Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah

I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber

I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.

My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.

I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.

I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!

Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.

my house is definitely haunted. all the snacks disappear.

Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?

Friend: yeah

Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?

im a cat and i FREaking love turning potential energy into kinetic *pushes glass off table* your going to feed and keep me for some reason

I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.

Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.

(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*

(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*

This was a bad idea all around

Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride

good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything

Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”

Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using

Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.