Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?

Me: You don’t either!

4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

people who separate your hahahas into ha ha ha, whats going on there

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.

am i a vampire? i :

– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake

they should invent more hobbies for people without skills or patience

Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.

They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.

Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.

ARRESTING OFFICER: No.

ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that

2020: The Year In Review

Everyone: No

sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete

It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.

Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.

Marriage is easy.