“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
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Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
Tell the colonel to bring it
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.