Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
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A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I had no idea my dentist had a sense of humor but I’m getting a tooth pulled today and they made the appointment for 2:30.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
I got a job as a bullet
They fired me immediately
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!