Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
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I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Brands during Pride
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that