Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.

I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.

At a fried chicken place, looks delicious

The fall of Netflix

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him

I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!

Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.

What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?

Was just walking along when I got news that caused me to clasp my hands over my face in gentle despair, at which point a passing teen with impeccable timing shouted ‘Peekaboo!’ at me.

If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔

Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”

Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.

the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no

[at church]

ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft

HER: omg put your pants back on

A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday

I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

4: Let’s play.

Me: Ok.

4: You can be the mommy.

Me: Sure.

4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.

Me: Nope, I’m out.

lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?

me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency

My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.

Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.

Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.

Oh yeh? Explain this then

[on a ladder vacuuming trees so I don’t have to rake]: everyone else is stupid

GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!

HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first

ME: You’re not really my type though

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song