*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
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[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
Ok, I’ll admit it, my choice of words is sometimes influenced by which ones I think I can spell correctly.
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
[Applebee’s Manager Application]
1. Are you a good people leader
2. Can you manage a P&L
3. Are you willing to fistfight the Chili’s Manager
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”