Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response

[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi

I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..

I was overcharged by a plumber!

So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.

Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.

Google Pay be like:

5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.

Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

Who says all the good chemistry jokes argon??

Me: “Take me to your leader!”

60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*

body: you’re dehydrated

me: I literally just drank a glass

narrator: that was 3 days ago

Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5

birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes

I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.

[first date]

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.

i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands

Absence didn’t work what else ya got?

A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?

Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*