Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red,
Wine is red,
Poems are hard,
Wine.

(Not mine, but very lovely)

I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear

Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park

Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.

I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

Friend: ugh algorithms are the worst, don’t you hate how it’s all news and politics and sadness on your feed all the time?

Me, who only sees baby animals and dessert recipes: yeah totally, so awful

I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.

Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall

Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad

Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…

judge: no it’s armed robbery

me: *clenches fist* about money

*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

I slept like a log last night.

A badger pissed on me.

You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.

Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*