*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

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If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name


Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.


“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”

*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge

“This is the wrong video”

“No this is right”


How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant


I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.


My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?


Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now


I edited all the slow motion scenes in Baywatch back to regular speed. The entire series was only 16 minutes long.


A great way to de-stress is to get in a car & drive til ur in a new town & ur name is Geoff. Doesnt matter if ur a boy or girl, ur Geoff now