@poutinesmoothie

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

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@junejuly12

If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name

@nealbrennan

Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”

Service is way better.

@KyleMcDowell86

“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”

*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge

“This is the wrong video”

“No this is right”

@iwearaonesie

How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?

– me watching my kids Christmas pageant

@GashleyMadison

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

@DrakeGatsby

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

@OtherDanOBrien

Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now

@CrockettsBeard

I edited all the slow motion scenes in Baywatch back to regular speed. The entire series was only 16 minutes long.

@KevinFarzad

A great way to de-stress is to get in a car & drive til ur in a new town & ur name is Geoff. Doesnt matter if ur a boy or girl, ur Geoff now