@poutinesmoothie

*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

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@iamblackmamba76

A guy just tried to hold an automatic door open for me.

It’s possible my dress is too short.

@mrsmith196645

911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.

@JessObsess

Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?

@LizHackett

I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.

@Mish3l_Ali

My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.

@iAmJuddy

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

@DurtMcHurtt

[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.

@TheMichaelRock

Now that oil is so cheap, we should start drilling for black printer ink.

@fuzzlime

running feels great unless you compare it to not running