*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
You Might Also Like
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
A super villain who foils all your plots, but your plots are just lasagnas and he makes them cook super unevenly.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends