*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*

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A guy just tried to hold an automatic door open for me.

It’s possible my dress is too short.


911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.


Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?


I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.


My girlfriend said she wanted me to be more like her Ex. So I dumped her.


Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.


[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.


Now that oil is so cheap, we should start drilling for black printer ink.


running feels great unless you compare it to not running