Benedict Cumberbatch is proof that a white guy banged a cat.

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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.


Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots

Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary


Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.


“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
“Call a vet” *hangs up*


[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything


[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.


My son keeps insisting that this kid at his daycare is stronger than me. It’s one of those silly arguments you get sucked into as a parent before you realize that a simple arm wrestling match with the three year old will prove your superiority beyond a shadow of a doubt.


The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad. And you said id never amount to anything


My primary physician says I need to eat more ice cream sandwiches and this is why my seven year old is my primary physician.