Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
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My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
me: i need to a place to relax.
cruise ship director: say no more. i want you to imagine a giant office building on its side filled with thousands of people floating in the middle of the ocean.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.