@SeanInCypress

Benedict Cumberbatch is proof that a white guy banged a cat.

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@Cheeseboy22

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

@Lisabug74

Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.

@Smooheed

When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’

@dave_cactus

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

@huntigula

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire

@OllyiConic

me: hit that tree with your fist

hitman: that’s not what i do

me: hundred bucks

hitman: no

me: will you punch a house

@twylaredsun

Opportunity knocks once, however temptation likes to lean on the door bell.

@Mr_Kapowski

Ladies, don’t be sad if your thighs begin to start touching

You’re becoming a mermaid!

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Can I buy you a drink?

HER: I have a boyfriend.

ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.