@SeanInCypress

Benedict Cumberbatch is proof that a white guy banged a cat.

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@Hector_Srsly

#WhenIWasYourAge getting pictures were at least a one hour ordeal that involved other people and a lab

@DaddyJew

Cop: license and registration

Me: nice try, I don’t have either of those

@Book_Krazy

Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?

Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?

@Shenanigans_luv

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

@sweetmomissa

All my daughter ate for dinner was bread and water, so she will be prepared for a recession or a life of crime.

@Gupton68

The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

@MissHavisham

Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things

@envydatropic

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

@jonnysun

me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁

@CatherineLMK

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.