Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
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Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*