Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
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As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
What I say: Maybe.
What my kid hears: Yes. Definitely yes. Pinky promise. Blood oath. It was written in the stars 11 billion years ago.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Why do meteors always land in craters?
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
You an Obituary liar.
That means you DEAD@$$ lying
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.