Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
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Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.
I call it the “escanow.”
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
I pretend I’m waterboarding the bowls when I’m doing the washing up. I’ll ask them a question then put them under the faucet.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
3 came up to me and asked for all the water in the house and then 4 came up to me and asked for all the paper towels in the house so I’m probably going to have to move.
“I want to leave my children in a better place.” sounds so much more positive than, “man abandons children at Disney World.”
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.