Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
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Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today
You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom