Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
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No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Me: *opens my front door*
Mosquitoes: *tie little bibs around their necks and get out the barbecue sauce*
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
i can’t wait that long
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
banker: you’re spending more than you bring in
me: god forbid i’m good at something
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
