Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
You Might Also Like
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent with a new chore chart.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Basically.
Anyone who feels bad about dumping a huge national debt on the next generation hasn’t spent a lot of time around teenagers.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.