Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
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What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
taking June’s advice to heart
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
If you don’t have a birth certificate YOU WEREN’T BORN 😠
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
#MeanwhileinCanada
Always this one for me forever
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
#milo
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.