Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
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*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
can you read it!!??
maan!
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.