Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”

Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.

Would make a brilliant taxi driver

My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.

[first day birdwatching]

is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?

When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.

[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*

You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!

Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?

Daughter: I don’t know.

Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.

I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔

If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.

[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you

[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.

The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan

My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat

me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!

Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that

You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.

I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

me: *sleeping*

pimple: is it my night to emerge?

anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?

Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?

Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!