Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner

Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!

Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

can’t get enough of this specific type of Olympic event. happy to hear arguments for others

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.

[trying to unhook a bra]

*kung fu noises*

CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse

MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull

PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.

being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

FRIEND: do you drive stick?

ME: no I drive car.

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

If anyone’s looking to join a pyramid scheme, hit me up and I’ll connect you with all the girls I went to high school with via facebook.

what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??

me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far

alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles