‘Benjamin Button.’




‘Knock knock!’

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God: I need an Ark built.

*Jesus lowers sunglasses*

Jesus: I Noah guy.


Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot


Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk


dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?


Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.


*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.


the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.


As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won’t think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.