MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
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I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
Sticker placement is key.
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.