God: I need an Ark built.
*Jesus lowers sunglasses*
Jesus: I Noah guy.
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Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won’t think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.