@sirchutney

‘Benjamin Button.’

‘BENJAMIN WHO?’

‘Benjamin’

‘WHO’S THERE?’

‘Knock knock!’

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@transvagmesh

God: I need an Ark built.

*Jesus lowers sunglasses*

Jesus: I Noah guy.

@meganamram

Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot

@gigi_k1

Life is not a fairytale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk

@CAshmanActor

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

@GrillinChillin9

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

@sofarrsogud

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

@tigersgoroooar

the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.

@johnnyw1981

As I lay my phone down to sleep, I pray my brain won’t think of tweets. If I die before I wake, I pray and hope my phone to break.