Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

Customer: Do you guys have wings?

Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.

I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share

99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?

[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.

too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.

I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.

[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.

Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

[christmas]

BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!

ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.

If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.

KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.

If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you

ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?