Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
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I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
A family that plays together cheats.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Everything reminds me of my ex
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks