Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
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[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
cat vs inanimate object
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
“I don’t think we should see each other anymore.”
*turns off lights*
*giggles*
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Jurassic park gets weird
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
Yaba daba do not resuscitate
I’ve been learning to cook.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Them: Welcome to the anti-giraffe club! We hate them. No talking about them. No impersonations. Any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Them: Get out.